Archives for May 2011
Furthering my effort to demonstrate my winning personality on one of the Interweb’s most popular dating sites, I’ve been answering hundreds of survey questions designed to match me with my future soul-mate via some kind of mathematical formula. Sure, why not…
1. Is it wrong to spank a child who’s been bad?
What do you mean by “bad”? Like, “doesn’t want to eat their lima beans” bad, or “told Mommy about the time Daddy was hugging Mommy’s best friend on the floor naked” bad?
2. Might you consider dating someone who confided to you that he/she had a sexually transmitted disease?
These things happen. That’s what doctors and Turtle Wax are for…
It has been almost a week now since I posted my new profile on the popular dating site OK Cupid. Given the subtlety with which I presented myself I didn’t expect a lot, quite frankly. I did get a few bites, though… I guess that says something about the caliber of available men on the Internets. Anyhoo, one of the more entertaining aspects of the site is that it provides hundreds of often thought-provoking questions designed to increase the quality of matches and provide personalized tours inside the minds of potential mates…or in this case, the mind of a total jackass.
Here are some samples of the questions:
1. If you discovered a spider on the wall in your bedroom, which would you do?
- Ignore it.
- Kill it.
- Catch it and put it outside.
- Find someone else to deal with it.
My first response is usually to duck under the bed and start crying… OH my god oh my god oh my god it’s in my HAIR! It’s gonna lay eggs in my ear and the babies are gonna hatch and eat my brain and then I’m gonna be like some brainless spider-zombie freak! Mommy! [Read more…] about 20 Questions on OK Cupid
Given the imminent departure of all of you good and true Christians, I felt that it might be nice of me to offer a helping hand to those of you who aren’t quite certain of whether you’ll be back at work on Monday. It is not too late to buy yourself a little grace, Karma, experience points or whatever it is that gets you the cosmic invite from Kirk Cameron for which you’ve pined since the days when it was somehow socially acceptable to have a character named Boner on network television. With that in mind, I have
stolen prepared a donation form whereby you can give whatever amount of money you think is necessary to make that date with your one, true space god. So give. Give as much as you have to. It’s not like you’re gonna need it. All you need tomorrow is your faith. Trust me.
All proceeds will benefit the “cough” ….association for the “cough”…for children…or something. What difference does it make? You’re not even gonna be here.
Thanks to the Student Press Law Center for uh, “loaning” me their form…
So recently I was umm, inspired, to create a profile on a hot new* online dating site called OK Cupid. Not because I am in any way interested in dating, but rather because I enjoyed the rather comprehensive and thought provoking set of profile categories and personal questions it offered. I felt like it would be fun to write things that sounded like the real me, not some polished douchebag that sounded all fake and turdy. Of course, the real me is, in fact, pretty douchey and more than a little turdy…but not fake. Except in the sense that I remain anonymous on this site like some kind of totally unimpressive superhero whose only special power is the ability to sabotage any prospect of financial or emotional success in a single bound. It also occurred to me that it could make for a pretty decent ongoing series for the site. Hence, the Techno Hobo has dipped his tiny toes into the digital waters of online dating.
*yes, that’s facetious. I would never use that phrase for anything ever. Ever.
The following is the actual profile with the actual answers to each respective category. There are also hundreds of questions that they ask for purposes of honing your potential matches. I may, or may not, decide to post some of those answers in subsequent posts. I guess you’ll just have to hold your breath…
My Self Summary
Hello. My name is Chet. I’m new to Portland and I have very big muscles. I can lift heavy things like grocery bags and obese pets. I also have a really big vocabulary. Like, REALLY big. If you’re into super hot guys who will totally be sexy in front of you then I am probably gonna make you get all excited.
It’s been awhile since I joined this thing. Honestly, I expected to be married by now… Is it possible that I am TOO good looking? Maybe my mom was right… Just kidding, my mom doesn’t talk to me anymore.
I should tell you that I don’t have any money, so if you’re looking for a sexy guy with lots of money, I’m not him. I’m also not sexy, in case that wasn’t clear.
Most people get on here and try to make themselves sound desirable…presenting their respective persona in the most flattering of lights. I am going to buck that trend and talk the way I talk in real life, and say the first things that come to me in an honest stream-of-consciousness sort of mental barf, because that’s what I sound like in person. I talk a lot, and I talk really, really fast…especially when I’m nervous or anxious, which is most of the time…especially around the lady-folk. I promise you though, in time you will find it endearing. After that you’ll probably get sick of me, but there will be a window, however brief, where I amuse the shit out of you.
I don’t like cats. That includes your cat. I won’t like it, no matter how much you swear it is more like a dog than a cat. I know a cat when I see one.
I am not what anyone would call “manly”. I think sports are stupid, and I am not particularly athletic, despite the fact that I look like something of a meathead. I don’t have a car or know how to fix one. I own very few tools. Your mother will not be impressed, and your father even less so. Most people think I’m gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…