It has been almost a week now since I posted my new profile on the popular dating site OK Cupid. Given the subtlety with which I presented myself I didn’t expect a lot, quite frankly. I did get a few bites, though… I guess that says something about the caliber of available men on the Internets. Anyhoo, one of the more entertaining aspects of the site is that it provides hundreds of often thought-provoking questions designed to increase the quality of matches and provide personalized tours inside the minds of potential mates…or in this case, the mind of a total jackass.
Here are some samples of the questions:
1. If you discovered a spider on the wall in your bedroom, which would you do?
- Ignore it.
- Kill it.
- Catch it and put it outside.
- Find someone else to deal with it.
My first response is usually to duck under the bed and start crying… OH my god oh my god oh my god it’s in my HAIR! It’s gonna lay eggs in my ear and the babies are gonna hatch and eat my brain and then I’m gonna be like some brainless spider-zombie freak! Mommy!
2. Which of these is wrong?
- The cat’s out of the bag.
- The cat’s feet are out of the bag.
- All the cat’s are out of the bag.
- None of them! They’re all correct!
What? This question gave me a headache. I…oh wait. I get it now. Clever…
3. A bird has built a nest on your house or garage. Do you knock it down?
- Yes, I’m scared of birds
- Yes, for some other reason or no reason at all
- No, what’s the big deal?
- No, and I hang a feeder 20 feet away
It depends. If it was a Phoenix I would probably want it to relocate before it burns down the house.
4. In your ideal sexual encounter, do you take control, or do they?
- I take control
- They take control
I’d like to think control is shared. For instance, I get to decide when I should get to hang out with my friends, and you get to decide which chores to do while I’m gone. oops, I think I misread the question.
5. Do you like to play with words? This includes making up riddles, puns, or even just making that perfect sentence for an essay.
- Sure! I often “letter” rip!
- It can be fun
- No; I use language grudgingly.
- Wot? Me no like righting!
Yes, but I object to the use of that pun.
6. Pick the best date on this list:
- A really nice restaurant
- A really divey bar
- A day at the beach
It depends on which date it is and whether we’ve already gotten busy…
7. If you were in your last moments of life after a traffic accident, and someone from another faith was holding your hand attempting to comfort you in your last moments, what would your thoughts be about that?
- I would take comfort.
- I would be offended.
- I would be indifferent.
- Other thoughts would take precedence.
I’d probably be thinking about how I should have called a cab…
8. Do you agree with the statement, “You don’t just marry the person, you marry the family”?
Yeah, I guess, but whatever. Worst case- there’s just a new set of people I ignore during the holidays…
9. If someone sends you an e-mail (or has a profile) full of spelling and grammatical errors, are you less likely to talk to them?
No, but I think good spellers are sexy. If you can’t spell, you better have some pretty nice boobs.
10. Is a girl who’s slept with 100 guys a bad person?
Bad? No. Gross? Probably. It’s a vagina, not Ellis Island. The poor and huddled masses don’t ALL have to get in there…
11. Tattoos on a woman’s lower back are…
- Tramp stamps.
- Something I have no opinion on.
One time I saw one that said “Exit Only” with an arrow pointing downward. I snuck out early and never called her again…
12. Do you own any shiny or form-fitting clothing?
I own a set of plate-mail armor for bedroom role-playing purposes. I stopped using it after a rather messy incident involving a game called “pin the tail on the dragon”…it’s surprisingly hard to hear the safe-word with that helmet on.
13. Are you willing to sit with your mate and watch their favorite TV show with them, even if it’s one that you can’t stand?
- ONLY if they’re willing to do the same for me
Only if I’m allowed to make awesome jokes about the show. And I want ice cream. And some, you know…yeah, down there…
14. Would you date somebody who has been celibate (in the sexual sense) for over 4 years?
- Only if they don’t plan on staying that way.
Are we talking about strictly human-to-human sex here?
15. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
- Under 18
- 18 or Over
- I never have!
I didn’t lose it. I sold it.
16. What do you think when you hear the word ‘cell’?
- Cellular phone
- Jail cell
17. When having sex, do you like to have your hair pulled?
- Yes, and hard!
- Yes, but gently.
- No way.
- Don’t know / Not sure.
Eject, eject, eject!
18. Do you believe there are only two genders?
- I’m Not Sure
Seriously, have you ever seen Lady Gaga? WTF is that?!
19. Have you ever tasted your own sexual fluids?
- No, and I would never
- No, but I would
It’s kinda hard not to…they just seem to get all over the place, you know?
20. How confident are you in your sexual abilities?
- Super confident
- Not really confident
I used to be something pretty special. But I have to be honest…lately I’m about as sexually vibrant as a Mormon cat-lady.
Did you enjoy this post, even a little bit? If so, please share it with your friends. Let them know how cool you are for knowing about this site before them. There are lots of sharing options right down there at the bottom…go ahead, don’t be shy. You can do it!