So I was approached via OK Cupid by some dame who turned out to be Russian. The conversation that transpired was the first (of many, I hope) that seemed worthy of posting. I have posted the entire conversation, to date, verbatim. It is important to note that this was a total stranger. She knows nothing about me other than what’s in my profile and what is written here. This is all a part of my little game called “Playing Hard to Want” where I become increasingly strange and see how much I can get away with before the girl loses interest or calls the authorities.
I have added a couple of links, for reference, and there are a couple of fun facts you should know about her before reading…without them there are jokes that will make no sense. There will probably still be jokes that make no sense, but hopefully fewer…It might also help to read my OK Cupid profile for reference.
At the end of her profile it says the following:
I spend a lot of time thinking about:
why i’m so popular among bisexual and married men
You should message me if:
– you are not afraid of russians
– you are not a LOL fan as i’m a LOL allergic
– you are Johnny Depp
And so it began… I received the following message late last night. She is evidently emailing from Italy. I still haven’t figured out what the time difference is. I think it’s Saturday there…
Jun 8, 2011 – 10:35pm
i also wonder why nobody has married u yet? ah yeah, maybe it’s coz u hate cats so much – hide this fact and u’ll be piled up with hot girls…
no need to thank me for super useful advice!
Jun 8, 2011 – 10:58pm
I know, I know…chicks and cats. I can’t really hide that part, given that it constitutes roughly 70% of my profile…not to mention 35-40% of my daily conversation. I would like to think that the fact that I scored very well on the “commonly confused words” test should make up for that. After all, grammar is sexy AND it doesn’t pee in your closet. For that matter, almost both of those things apply to me, as well.
Well… maybe I don’t want piles of girls. That sounds like a lot of work…and time. My jaw gets achy just thinking about it… Besides, I’m really only sexy on the inside, anyway. My outsides are kinda worn out. As you can see, my heart rests upon my sleeve…
And since you said not to, I won’t thank you. But I might have, otherwise. I am, after all, a gentleman.
Jun 8, 2011 – 11:24pm
Aha so u are a lazy gentleman…as a solution I may offer u to hire a secretary to deal with all ur piles…otherwise how will u get married? We have a saying here “u should go through the shit to find a diamond” – maybe this rule applies to u as well…
are u sexy only inside? hmmm that’s interesting…very intriguing…there’s a rule: the less sexy u are outside the more hot girl u will get [Ed. note: I love this rule. I have GOT to move to Russia!]…remember Seirge Gainsburg? All girls including me find him soooo hot…and i was told i have perfect taste…anyway what’s happened to ur heart?
Jun 9, 2011 – 12:01am
I am not lazy. You said not to. So I didn’t. Already with the mixed signals, I see. Strike one. Oh wait…I see what you meant. You were talking about the pile of hot girls, not my omission of a thank-you. Ok, point taken. But wouldn’t a secretary just end up being another hot girl? I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna hire an ugly secretary. I’m way old school, like that. Also, truth be told, I’m not really trying to get married. I just use that word to sound normal.
I don’t think diamonds come from shit. I think they come from coal. I suppose coal is really, in a sense, compressed “Earth shit”, as it is made up of millennia-old dead things that were slowly compressed and…this is too nerdy and not really going anywhere.
I am sexy on the inside. I think. I mean, if you don’t count the cat thing and the commitment thing and the mommy thing…well, a lot of things, actually. Let’s put it this way, if wit, sarcasm and a very very big vocabulary are considered sexy, then I’m sexy. I have never heard of Serge Gainsbourg. So now I’m feeling intellectually inferior and inadequately cultured. So not only are you sending me mixed signals, but also stoking the fires of my self loathing. Strike two. That said, I went ahead and Googled Monsieur Gainsbourg [this handsome devil right here], and it turns out he is my 3rd cousin on my aunt’s side. Hence, the similarity in appearance. Also, we both dated Brigitte Bardot…though I, of course, did so much, much more recently.
I should tell you…I’m not afraid of Russians. Except naked ones in bathhouses…
What happened to my heart, you ask? Oh, nothing worse than the usual. Life…and its failure to turn out the way I’d hoped, I suppose. It’s not that I’m jaded, though. I am VERY jaded. That said, I live alone now, and things seem to be improving. For instance, more people seem to find me sexy. Not in real life, of course…but online they do.
I am neither bisexual nor married…but I might be Johnny Depp. Well…a kind of slightly heavier Johnny Depp…who sort of looks way different. I do a pretty decent Hunter S. Thompson impression, though…
Jun 9, 2011 – 1:24am
U could hire an anti-hot secretary… have u watched the movie “Secretary” with Maggie Gyllenhaal? She was not a hot girl but definitely she did her job sooo well – u wouldn’t find the better secretary!
I never said diamonds come from shit (thanx for ur lesson on precious stones though) – not everything found in a shit are made of shit…logical, right? 😉
U broke my heart…u never heard of Gainsburg???? Never ever! Hah oh my…U don’t listen to music and don’t watch good movies? (here I don’t mean American rap and Hollywood stuff)….no no I don’t wanna hurt ur self-esteem or smth that u stated are of low level…I’m just curious…and plzzz come on! u couldn’t date Bardot! She has a house full of cats…she loves animals more than sexy men…and she definitely would hate u as much as u hate pets…btw what’s wrong with naked russians in bathrooms? did they hurt ur mental sensibility or what?
hmmm so…now u live alone and online…yep? mmm and how do u like ur new life? better than before?
u are neither bisexual not married…yeah…right…I just wonder what makes u gayish (as u say)? The fact that u cry all the time or that u wear tight purple pants and shave ur chest?
Jun 9, 2011 – 1:38am
It’s mostly the crying and the chest shaving, I think. My pants are more of a salmon color, which isn’t very gay.
I thought Maggie Gyllenhal was hot in Secretary. I would totally hire her.
As for naked Russians…I was referring to the fight scene in Eastern Promises. That being said, I recently visited a Russian bathhouse in Seattle. A friend took me for my birthday. It was very relaxing…and only slightly gay. I didn’t even cry.
Jun 9, 2011 – 2:05am
russian bathhouse in Seattle? ummm did u jump naked to the snow?
Jun 9, 2011 – 9:30am
No, no, no…not naked. I had a cute little leopard-print man-thong and a pointy hat. Kind of like an elf. There is a place in Seattle called Banya 5 that has saunas and hot tubs…real classy. And they have a bar.
Where do you live when you’re not in Italy?
Jun 9, 2011 – 9:34am
wow u in thong….mmm u definitely made banya hotter…
i live in russia – italy is just for the rest of my soul…i have a long-lasting romance with this country….where do u live when u are not in banya?
Jun 9, 2011 – 10:07am
Jun 9, 2011 – 10:15am
I hope that link works…it won’t let me paste images into messages without upgrading to the paid account… My apologies. I promise it’s not a virus. It will probably be the best part of your day.
Jun 9, 2011 – 10:44am
hey i can’t open ur link as it says all ur albums are closed…dammit the end of my day is broken!
Jun 9, 2011 – 10:58am
Oh no! That is awful for you! OK…try it again: [Ed. note: link removed again]
That should work….
Jun 9, 2011 – 11:09am
woooow i’m speechless! where did u get this super sexy leopard thong? i gonna have sweet dreams tonight…ummmm
Jun 9, 2011 – 11:14am
Actually, I made it myself. Yep…100% me. I actually bred and raised the leopard from whose skin it was made. His name was Cornelius, and we used to spend a lot of time together walking through the forest hunting aboriginals. Sadly, he was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 8 (cat years, not human years). It was decided through mutual agreement that the best thing to do to honor his legacy was to preserve him in the form of sexy underwear. My heart broke when he died, but the thong is a timeless memento of his life. It doesn’t hurt with the ladies, either, if I may say. Cornelius was the only cat I ever loved…but his skin feels really nice on my man-parts.
Jun 9, 2011 – 11:28am
it turned out u have a heart after all! u made me crying now…such a story! we should send it to steven spielberg to make some money – hope Cornelius would have nothing against it!
Jun 9, 2011 – 11:38am
Funny you should mention that. Cornelius and I actually discussed the possibility of a feature film about our time together. The project has been on the back burner during the thong manufacturing process, but the time is nearing when I will begin work on his life story. I assure you, it is not a story for the faint of heart. I’m crying a little just thinking about it. I remember one time, when he was just a kitten (a 65 -pound kitten, but still) when we were playing with a regular-sized kitten from across the street. It was so cute, because Cornelius was just so much bigger, you know? He accidentally bit the other kitten in half, and then its owner came out and started shrieking like some kind of pre-menstrual banshee. It was really funny. She was all, like, “Oh my GOD! What the fuck are you doing with a fucking LEOPARD?! You killed my little baby!” …and we just laughed and laughed. After that he just ate the kitty. True story.
Whew. It’s good to talk about this stuff, you know? Having a friend like you just makes the tears taste a little sweeter. I feel much better. How about you?
Jun 9, 2011 – 10:36pm
ohh mamma my eyes are wet with tears…we should create an association “Memories with tears” – u gonna be a President of it of coz…when ur sweet tears get dry what is left? sugar? ahh this is so sweet…sweet story, sweet friend, sweet tears…dammit, it’s possible to get diabetes with u…
Jun 10, 2011 – 12:02am
Well, you certainly wouldn’t be the first person to get diabetes as a result of my sickly sweetness. It happens more than you’d think… Sometimes, when I run out of my favorite coconut-flavored coffee creamer I’ll remember my dear Cornelius and offset the bitter taste with my saccharine tears. Thank you for letting me be so sentimental. I just don’t know where I would be, emotionally, without your kindness and the Dirty Dancing soundtrack pulling me up from the blackness of despair. Thursday nights can be such slippery slopes.
Now that we’ve established an unbreakable emotional bond, may I inquire as to what part of Italy you’re visiting? Would it be possible for you to send me a pizza? Or perhaps some lasagna? I do love lasagna…
Jun 10, 2011 – 8:23am
dirty dancing soundtrack? wow impressive!
u seem to have more tears than anyone else, does it mean u consist of more water than the other human beings?
i travel to the capital of pizza and pasta – Naples – as it’s a wild place i’m not sure if i manage to get out alive from this trip…if i do then i would gladly send u some neapolitan stuff – a hot italian chick, hot pizza, or hot pasta…mmm or italian handkerchievs…
I am glad you appreciate my taste in music. I dare you to come up with a better 1980’s-era retro-50’s romantic dance movie soundtrack. You just won’t find one. When Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes sang “I had the time of my life”, they weren’t just talking about a hot date or a swingin’ dance routine, but rather it was a heartfelt statement about the nature of existence, itself, and the wonder and beauty an enlightened soul feels when it becomes truly self-aware. I’m tearing up a little again… I suppose you’re probably getting used to that by now…
Speaking of 80’s music. Did you have music in the 80’s? I mean, in Russia, or whatever it was called then? I have actually never met a real-live Communist. I mean, I’ve met some Cubans and a couple of people from Chicago, but that’s not really the same thing. As a student of history I am fascinated to have finally met someone who actually lived on the other side of the Iron Maiden. Or was it curtain? I can never remember. They probably didn’t even call it that on your side. It probably had some equally witty propagandized name like “Capitalist Pig Barrier” or “Gorky Park Memorial Fence”…
As for the amount of tears I produce, you’ve hit upon an interesting topic. I am composed of a higher percentage of water than most humans. In fact, my genetic composition is much closer to that of those underwater alien water-tube things in The Abyss. Unfortunately, I lack the ability to transform my body into the shapes of other people’s faces…or bend around corners… Pretty much the only noticeable side-effect is the appearance of excess moisture dripping from my eyes, also known as tears. As luck would have it, I am also rather unstable emotionally, and prone to bursts of pointless blubbering, so the appearance of the tears is interpreted by most people as being par for the course. Do they have golf in Russia? Let me know if you didn’t get the “par for the course” reference. In my country it is a common phrase, because Capitalist Pigs play a lot of golf.
Here is an itemized list of the gifts I would like for you to send from Italy:
- A 4-cheese pizza with prosciutto ONLY. No, I really don’t want anything else on it. Seriously. Yes, I know it sounds boring. I like what I like.
- A postcard depicting people on Vespas
- Monica Bellucci
- One of those fancy handkerchiefs you mentioned. It sounds kinda gay, but I’ll try anything once.
- A Maserati Quattraporte Sport GT S 4dr Sedan in Nero Carbonio Metallic, with Marrone Corniola interior
Please let me know if you can manage this list. I’ll send you my address for delivery.
Jun 11, 2011 – 3:21am
Honestly speaking I’m not into 80-era – can’t stand its music and dress – although I was born somewhere at the beginning of 80s…i’m definitely more into 50s…what can be worse than 80s? definitely 90s…it was a crazy time behind this “red communistic door” – actually we did have this “iron curtain” thing…without barriers or fences – I like ur idea more though… and we did have music btw…u won’t believe but we also had cinema, jeans, sprite, and german porno…
we do have golf in Russia…we even have yachts and penthouses in Manhattan – ¾ of our annual GDP is spend on such shit…
Ha u are like a princess who wants just the best! ok send me ur private jet with a sexy pilot to take ur order…but wait a minute Monica? Come on! U serious? She’s so perfect and so boring! Beeh…
Jun 11, 2011 – 11:53am
German porn, you say? You mean like the kind where people shit on themselves? That sounds exotic… What if they made those back in the 50’s when they used to try all those crazy theater tricks like Smell-O-Vision? I bet that would be pretty gross. Those Germans sure are a wacky bunch.
Russia spends 3/4 of its GDP on golf? Sure, why not… I guess that explains all the bread lines. Yeah, that’s right, I read the news. I am informed and up-to-date. Do they have nighttime golfing near Chernobyl? Glow-in-the-dark balls would look like giant speedy fireflies. That sounds so cool! That would totally make up for the radiation sickness and mutant babies.
Also, I’ll have to double-check my map, but I think Manhattan is in New York. Not that it matters…
Thank you for calling me a princess. It is nice when somebody really gets to know you, you know? How do you feel about wearing ball gowns, diamonds and tiaras? Would you find that to be a turn off in the bedroom? I mean, I could wear something else, but feeling sexy is such a big part of being sexy…at least in my opinion.
As for Monica Bellucci… You can scratch her off the list, if you want. I was just trying to sound more masculine. I had to Google “hot Italian chick” per your suggestion….she came up first. Truth be told, a sense of humor and an arsenal of S&M gear will beat a perfect body and olive skin any day of the week, in my book. Besides, everybody knows that Italian women have mustaches by the time they turn 17. I can do without all that chafing, thank you. I have silky smooth skin, and I prefer to keep it that way.
Jun 12, 2011 – 9:12am
never watched a shitting porno when i was young – that would totally shock me as i was a very sensitive teen (like u now)…so i got just classic boring stuff…well at that times it was super exciting for me…i was like Columbus discovering America…
do u know that Chernobyl is very popular among americans and europeans? ukrainians offer tours to Chernobyl – i know ppl who went there and they got back alive and without any sickness! wanna try? or u are too sissy? 😉
so u like tiaras and diamonds? hmmmmmm no wonder why ppl think u are a gay…strange u dont like girls with mustaches…i do like boys with beards…ah gosh, they are SO hot!
btw i do know where Manhattan is – half of NYkers are russian…they just hide it…but shhh dont tell them i told u about this!
Jun 12, 2011 – 10:15am
Too sissy for Chernobyl? Hell no! I don’t mind having babies with flippers… Truth be told, I can’t breed anymore, anyway, so I guess there’s nothing to worry about. When’s good for you? I hear Fall is the best time to see nuclear disaster sites.
Did you know that I can grow a beard in less than 3 days? I’m Spanish-Basque, so I am adept at growing my own fur for those cold nights in the hills with the sheep. Would you like me to grow a sexy beard for you?
I see you’ve changed your profile picture. Would it surprise you to know that I, too, have an extensive collection of stuffed animals? In fact, I just realized it’s tea time. Mr. Panda and Mr. Giggles are expecting me in the sun room, so I’d better be going.
What are your exciting plans for today? Where in Russia are you from? I just looked it up in my atlas…WOW, that is a really big country! I had no idea. You know, because I’m an American, and we only care about things inside our own country…and places with lots of oil.
Jun 12, 2011 – 10:51am
mmmm i’m afraid when u get to Pripyat in Chernobyl u cry a river over there and u won’t be enough of those italian handkerchiefs i’ll send ya – what will i do with u there, ah? i’m afraid of crying men…and what’s wrong with ur breeding functions btw? u had this chick chick thing?
yeah unfortunately russia is not tiny…i live in the middle of nowhere – ekaterinburg…surely u have never heard of the urals and will immediately forget this difficult word right now…anyway let me know if u fail to find it on ur american atlas….
yeahhh grow ur beard for me plz…there are just bald men around me…bald and gay…i want someone hairy and straight…
Jun 12, 2011 – 11:03am
I will try not to cry. Perhaps, I have…exaggerated my crying a bit. Besides, I am excellent at hand-to-hand combat against zombies, so I shouldn’t have anything to be afraid of. I’m not really sure what you mean by “chick chick thing”…I’m not a trans-sexual, if that’s what you mean. I’m just not a functioning member of the gene pool anymore. I’ve been fixed. I think that’s why I’m so feminine.
I just looked for your town on Google. Holy crap! That is in the middle of nowhere! You’re practically in Kazakhstan. Do you sound like Borat when you talk? Because I will totally marry you. That reminds me, if we ever meet I want to do some James Bond role-playing. Is that OK? It’ll go like this:
But seriously, wow. That is really far from anywhere. What is there to do? Do you have electricity and running water?
OK, I will grow a beard for you and stop manscaping. I will soon look very hairy and straight. If you’ve ever played the old Street Fighter video game, I look like a shorter version of Zangief. Does that work for you?
Jun 13, 2011 – 8:41am
“chick chick” means “to close ur breeding canals” – doctors use the word vasotomy…or maybe u mean u are unable to “make love”? ah it means i will never get a child from u! da? shit looks like i’m too late…u broke my heart, darling! i was almost seeing us as a happy family with 10 babies, labrador and a house with lemon trees…ahhh life is so unfair!
yea, Kazakhstan is not far from here though it’s another country (i’m sure goggle didn’t inform u on that)…yes, i do speak like Borat – i would say even sexier…i just don’t have moustache but if u like it i might grow it specially for ya…we don’t have any electricity or gaz here (it’s all sold to europe) and no water of coz…what’s more important we dont even have toilets here…we pee right on the streets – just imagine: -35C, snow, siberia, cold wind…mmmm so risky but so romantic…
p.s. Mr.Bond i expect u to cry…NOT
Jun 13, 2011 – 8:45am
today i’ve had an experimental haircut…so now i look more like Twiggy style – something between a boy and a 35yo lesbian…ah looks like i lost any chances to seduce italian boys in italy! shit
Jun 13, 2011 – 9:06am
interesting…it’s written u are less sex-driven than the rest on this site…do u have a chestity belt or smth?
Jun 13, 2011 – 11:21am
Sorry I missed you on IM… I guess I’ll just go back to sleep…err, I mean writing my response. For someone who dislikes cats so much, I sure spend a lot of time acting like one. I spend most of the day sleeping and licking myself…
Jun 13, 2011 – 11:50am
Yeah, sorry…no children from me. My breeding canal is closed. If I’m doing my math correctly, that’s the second time I’ve broken your heart. I’m sorry…but it never occurred to me at the time that there would come a day when I wanted to have several babies with a total stranger from the opposite side of the planet. Why don’t we just buy some Teddy bears and give them cute little names and push them in strollers through the mall? They cost way less money, and I suspect you’ll get fed up with my crying pretty fast, so it would only make things more stressful for you if we had actual babies.
So you talk like a sexy Borat? I don’t think I’ve ever had so many fantasies converge simultaneously. Wow. You are making my leopard thong get all tight, if you catch my meaning… Grrr! You can skip the mustache, though…that might be a little gay. I mean, I’m the man here, after all, and I already have a swarthy ‘stache of my own.
You live in some kind of shack in a place where it gets to be -35C. What is that, like 23F? Brrrr!… Yes, that does sound romantic! It seems to me, at those temperatures, that it would make more sense just to pee on each other than go outside. I mean, you kind of kill two birds with one stone there, right? That makes up for the lack of toilets and creates a heat source. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna go all “R. Kelly” on you or anything… It’s not that I enjoy peeing on people, or vice versa. I just like to be a problem solver. I’m very logical that way…always solving problems.
A cross between a boy and a 35yo lesbian? OMG, you totally hacked into my computer and peeped at my porn stash, didn’t you?!! You little devil, you! I can’t wait to see a picture. I mean…you know…of you. You already know I have dozens of similar pics in my “secret” file…
Yes, it does say that I am “less sex driven”… That means “relative to other guys”. As in, ” I am more driven by other factors,” not that I am some kind of sexless nun. I mean, my life has many similarities with those of nuns, but only by coincidence. For instance, I have a collection of naked pictures of 35-year-old lesbians with boyish haircuts. My chastity belt is really meant to be decorative. It doesn’t even lock. It’s like those toy handcuffs. This is all kind of a moot point, however. Despite my rugged handsomeness and winning personality, the “pile” of hot girls you mentioned before has yet to form. I spend most nights alone…licking myself and staring pensively into a portrait of my dear Cornelius…
Jun 14, 2011 – 9:08am
Oh no! You didn’t write back to me! It has been almost an entire day! What happened? Are you dead? Were you kidnapped? Did you get mauled by a squat and furry little Italian gentleman? Oh, my mind races with visions of your horrible fate… I don’t generally start drinking at 9am, but I might have to today…just to calm my nerves!
Jun 14, 2011 – 9:53am
i would definitely prefer to be kidnapped by a hot italian Marcello but unfortunately no…not yet…it’s more trivial: i have been working all day long – again surrounded by stylists and gays (my chestity belt is definitely locked here)…so calm down, my darling future ex husband, and stop drinking in the morning (what do u drink? vodka?)
no, darling, u broke my heart 10 times as i was hoping to have 10 babies! pfffff ok…we will find me a sexy latino boy for me to have babies (i want just beautiful kids) and u will educate them – looks like i will never find a better teacher and problem solver than u for my latino kids…
i think u better come and show me how to deal with this toilet thing…i would never manage without ur help…i’m too blondie and after yesterday’s haircut a part or my brain had gone together with my hair…so i definitely need some help on problem solving…
Jun 14, 2011 – 10:17am
OK. First of all, “future ex-husband”?!!! That is among my absolute favorite phrases! I’ve been using that as a preface to unsuccessful pick-up attempts for years. I, of course, say “ex-wife” or “ex-girlfriend”, but still… I find your cynicism to be oddly refreshing… Sometimes I wonder if I’m just writing back and forth to myself.
Why are you surrounded by stylists and gays (redundant?) all day? Aren’t you on vacation? Or do you live in Italy now? Such a mysterious little peach you are! Also, the word you’re looking for is “chastity belt”, with an “A”… You see? I am a good teacher.
I usually drink red wine, German beer, or Irish whiskey…though not necessarily in that order, and not usually quite so early in the morning. I mean, I am a “professional” writer, but I’m still a little too young to drink like that before noon.
I am intrigued as to how you could scare me on Facebook. Did the KGB invent some kind of special device that allows you to send electric shocks over the Internets, or something? I am still considering the idea… We do have quite the good thing going, already. Maybe I’ll wait until we get a little closer to the wedding…
10 babies? Doesn’t that sound like maybe too many? I mean, what are you, Catholic? Couldn’t we just hire somebody to have the babies for you? Your hot little (in my mind) body will look like a sack of potatoes after 10 kids. Gross.
Are you saying you want me to pee on you? I thought I made it clear that I’m not really into that…much…I mean, you know…I guess if you really want me to…but none of that German stuff. That’s where I draw the line. You can watch your videos or whatever…but I have a sensitive stomach, so I have to be careful…
Jun 14, 2011 – 10:01am
dammit, now i’m so curious about ur belt! what other things are hidden under ur bed except this belt and handcuffs? how often to use them? and do they impress all nuns who visit u on their way to God?
Jun 14, 2011 – 10:24am
Oh, I’ve got all kinds of things under my bed. Belts, whips, cuffs…standard stuff like that. There are also a few superhero costumes and maybe a couple of puppies. I think I heard an ex-girlfriend under there last night, but that was probably just gas. Just to be safe I made a couple of thrusts under there with my broadsword. Oh yeah, I also have a broadsword. There wasn’t any blood on it and I didn’t hear any nagging, so it was probably nothing. Whatever…
To be honest, I don’t use any of that stuff very often. I live alone and rarely venture outside. And, of course, my girlfriend is Russian and living in Italy. Long-distance bondage games can be so tricky, you know?
As for the nuns… I can’t say I impress all of them on their way to God, but I certainly enjoy a good challenge.
Jun 14, 2011 – 10:48am
come on! u sound like a shy virgin now! do we really have to wait untill marriage just to become “friends” on FB??? dammit, it sounds so romantic and so pure…have u ever thought to become a priest? i have a passion for them…they all look so sexy in their black dress and white collar or how u call it….
i’m surrounded by all these strange ppl as my company has a master class for stylist here (“here” means “Russia” not Italy)….but it’s work….and i never talk about work when i don’t work….i don’t live in italy, darling, i live in this peeing place….italy is just for summer vacation…
ha once i told a guy “u own me now” instead of “u owe me now” and instead of “if u can bear me” i wrote “if u can bare me”….of coz boys like the wrong variants…i tell u i’m blondie…
hell no! i dont want anybody to pee on me! come on! i have shower at least twice a day, do u really think i would survive after that? u just seem to be perfect on problem solving…who knows if u manage to solve other problems of mine…
mmmm so interesting…u keep ur ex-girlfriends under ur bed…are u a serial maniac or smth?
p.s. i could be ur hallucination….or ur conscience…who knows…and looks like we will never know untill we get married….damn…
Jun 14, 2011 – 11:15am
So you’re saying I can own you? I’ve heard about these Russian mail-order brides. It hadn’t really occurred to me to get one. Partly because of the lengthy shipping time. I mean, I live near a huge Russian community…one of the largest in the U.S. (#8), actually, so I figured I could just go over there and pick one up if I ever wanted to… Then again, since I already know you…I guess that puts you at the top of the list.
No, I have not thought about becoming a priest. Mostly because I fail to be sexually aroused by young boys. What can I say? I was born this way…
I think that’s neat that your hometown has been reduced to being known as “this peeing place”…oddly enough, that actually increases the interest I have in going there. Is it nice in the Winter? I don’t do any winter sports…unless you count drinking as a sport. I do a lot of that in the Winter…
So you’re back home? How are you getting the Internet to work in a place without electricity? Do you have some kind of makeshift generator built out of live reindeer and the tapes from old Mikhael Baryshnikov dance videos? See, the reindeer could run on a treadmill, and the tape could connect to a…oh, never mind. That’s probably too technical for your little blonde brain.
OK, so we’re agreed on the peeing thing? Only on Saturdays…and only after our friends leave. Am I right?
What other problems need solving? I am pretty much a genius, so I can take care of just about anything. Except sports. And anything involving tools. See, I’m more than just an overgrown, teddy bear collecting, ex-girlfriend imprisoning, geographically ignorant, sadomasochistic cry-baby. Aren’t you glad you’ve decided to get to know me? You don’t need to answer that…I already know. Shhh, baby…it’s gonna be OK…
Jun 14, 2011 – 11:54am
mister Genious lives among russians! ha! poor boy! what a horrible place u chose for living! why dont u move to LA? u could be surrounded by hot chocolate latino girls with big lips, huge tits, and firm butts…anyway has any of these russians tried to seduce u? mmm be careful, darling! they are VERY dangerous!
oh yeah it’s super nice here in winter…we drink vodka all the time (this is a national sport in russia and i bet u’ll be a looser here) and eat caviar or stay in and just have sex all the time…actually now u can see what women have been doing during this winter as today the streets are full of pregnant ladies…so just imagine how beautiful our winters are!
yeah, i’m home, not “back” though as i haven’t gone anywhere from here yet…as for the internet u are absolutely right…it’s all Mikhail’s work…he’s working for my internet…hey u continue impressing me! such a smart boy! why do they say americans are stupid? are u sure u are american? or maybe u just don’t eat this spoiled McDonalds shit that may kill ur brain capacity? how do u survive there among scaring russians and silly americans? must be difficult…if u need some help – just call me, darling!
ok let me be a man with balls in our family…what’s ur name on FB, u say?
Jun 14, 2011 – 12:23pm
LA?!! Barf! I would sooner castrate myself than live in a place like LA. There are plenty of “hot chocolate Latino girls” around here… I do like the firm butts… I can go either way on boob and lip size.
As far as I can tell, you’re the only Russian who has tried to seduce me. The ones around here seem to keep to themselves. Probably because they don’t speak English or want to do something illegal.
There’s no such thing as losing if the game is about drinking. I can’t wait to visit your little town next Winter! Don’t worry, though…you won’t end up pregnant next Spring.
Oh, I was confused. I thought you were visiting Italy. Is that later in the Summer?
I am flattered that you think I’m smart. Do people over there really think Americans are stupid? That’s funny. Because, for the most part, it’s true. Our country has devalued education to the point that most of our citizens can’t even find the U.S. on a map… I absolutely HATE McDonald’s. I don’t have a joke about that. I just hate them.
For the record, I do have balls. Figuratively and literally… Just so you know.
Want more? This ridiculousness continues in From Russia With Blog, Part 2
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