After spending the past 6 weeks navigating the murky, awkward waters of the online dating world, I have come to a few vaguely scientific conclusions. First, most women think of themselves as unique and quirky. Second, most women really care about their families, and they want you to know it. Third, there are a lot of very large, metal-ridden, tattooed bisexuals out there who are interested in self-deprecating, neurotic men who can grow a decent mustache.
I find none of this appealing. Sure, I enjoy roller derbies as much as the next lesbian, but I don’t have a clue as to what’s really going on most of the time, and I definitely don’t want to date somebody who could easily break my face when one of my jokes goes bad. Trust me, it happens. But look, I’m not here to make anybody feel bad. If you feel sexy looking like Andre the Giant and Marilyn Manson’s bastard child, then fine…but that’s not what I’m really looking for. So, to avoid further confusion and any potentially hurt feelings, I have decided to amend my profile to include a list of deal breakers.
If one, or more, of the following applies to you, please go away:
- You have extensive neck/facial tattoos, especially tear drops. That shit might have gotten some mileage in prison, and that’s great, but it just doesn’t do it for me.
- You are married and/or poly-amorous. I can barely fathom the fear and loathing of maintaining one relationship, never mind several relationships…
- You weigh more than me. I weigh 130 pounds. Fact.
- You think size matters
- You want to point out the apparent hypocrisy between #3 and #4
- You don’t like/understand sarcasm
- You are older than my mom
- You ARE my mom.
- You are a cat
- Your cat is a cat
So there…I don’t think any of those are particularly unreasonable. I’m not some kind of diva, or anything…I just know a red flag when I see one.
Did you enjoy this post, even a little bit? If so, please share it with your friends. Let them know how cool you are for knowing about this site before them. There are lots of sharing options right down there at the bottom…go ahead, don’t be shy. You can do it!