Are you feeling lonely? Do you often wonder why nobody wants to see you naked? Are you afraid that your relationship with your inflatable sheep collection might be bordering on inappropriate? Are you a grown man who stays up until 2am pretending to be an attractive woman on Facebook? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then I have got some great news for you!
Archives for July 2011
Well, it has been a month now, and things are really heating up with my sexy new Russian pen-pal. Something tells me this relationship will go the distance, at least figuratively speaking. When you think about it, it is really quite perfect for me. For one thing, she is way too far away for there to be any kind of real commitment. Just look at the map!
On top of that, the fact that our entire relationship exists online makes it much less likely that I will stumble over my words and say something overly stupid or asinine. This way, my comments are exactly as stupid and/or asinine as I want them to be. And then, of course, there is my increasingly slovenly appearance. I must admit, this digital relationship has left me pretty much completely devoid of motivation to maintain even the most basic standards of hygiene. I haven’t shaved in
days weeks, my tight black t-shirt is now a dull gray and appears to be growing some kind of plant, or something, and I think my pet lizard ran away…which is especially disconcerting, given that he was made of rubber. On the plus side, I’ve made a pretty rad fort out of pizza boxes, the crumbs from which have attracted a seemingly inexhaustible parade of ants which have, in turn, provided the bulk of my protein intake. Anyhoo…we’ve continued to correspond and cultivate a pretty honest and trust-centered bond. I think you’ll find it quite beautiful…a real “Romance for the Ages”, as they say…
Part 1 of my Russian romance left off with a discussion of the relative perkiness of Californian women’s breasts, my disdain for McDonald’s, and the possibility that Mikhail Baryshnikov dance videos are responsible for powering the Internet in central Russia…among other things. I should warn any sensitive readers out there…Part 2 does get a little racy, at times. Prepare thyself. [Read more…] about From Russia, with Blog: Part 2
Scottsdale, AZ – Surrounded by her would-be campaign staff and tens of supporters at her Scottsdale, AZ super-secret headquarters, Sarah Palin was in good spirits today, celebrating the 4th of July weekend and the, “hundred-and-something’th anniversary of the glorious defeat of the British by the Holy Trinity of George Washington, Ronald Reagan and Jesus.”
Although she has yet to officially declare her candidacy, many have speculated that Palin’s recent arrival in Arizona is the first step in establishing a presence among the State’s strong contingent of Tea Baggers, and an eventual declaration for the 2012 Presidential race.
Palin has recently received criticism from the heathen Liberal media for some factually dubious references to events leading up to the War of Creation commonly referred to by overpaid Teacher’s Union Socialists as the “Revolutionary War.” In a heartfelt and appropriately tear-laden speech to her supporters, Palin shared some thoughts on the matter.
[Read more…] about Palin Celebrates America’s Birthday, Continued Ignorance