I’m not sure how this happens, but I seem to always find myself entangled with unavailable men. Sometimes they are married, other times they are just emotionally closed off. I’m not a bad person, I may even be a catch. I think I’m confident, a bit intelligent, and quite accomplished. So, what’s wrong with me? At 32, I am no closer to being married with a family of my own than I was at 23. How do I get a sexy, smart, and funny guy like you to notice me?
You’ve come to the right place. After all, my middle name is Emotionally Unavailable. Look, the easy thing to do here would be to point out your most obvious hang-up, which is of course your age. However, I can tell by your tone that you are probably depressed and binge-eating ice cream with your cats, so I’ll avoid any criticism, however constructive it might be for a more emotionally vibrant person. I’m going to take the high road and keep any comments about vulvular crow’s feet and vaginal cobwebs to myself. You don’t necessarily have to be a man or a supermodel to have hope for a relationship after 30. I mean, look at Demi Moore? She’s old as dirt and things seem to be…hang on, I’m getting something on the scanner…oh. I see. Well, it looks like she’s not the best example. But again, this isn’t about you being a spinster. This has nothing to do with drooping udders and hot flashes. This is about your perception of what “success” really means. You say you’re no closer to being married with children than you were at 23. Has it occurred to you that that might not be a bad thing? I know all of you girls are mercilessly bombarded with the same tired, commercial propaganda about true love and fancy princes, shiny rocks and pink corvettes from the minute that sexy doctor spanked your newborn butts. Your parents, the media, and everyone in between pound it into your little irrational, not-as-funny-as-men heads that you’re supposed to grow up to be beautiful princesses who fall in love with the man of your dreams, make perfect babies and live happily ever after.