I’m not gonna lie to you, bed bugs are a real pain in the ass. They climb up into your luggage in hotels and airports and just follow you home. And then they get into EVERYTHING! Clothes, mattresses, pillows, furniture and electronics. They especially love keyboards and big huge TVs. Fortunately, this big, huge TV is no less than 78% bed bug-free! And…wait for it…it’s FREE! That’s right! This TV will cost you absolutely nothing and almost certainly does NOT come filled with an army of nefarious tiny critters that will run rampant throughout your house, causing you endless sleepless nights filled with debilitating anxiety and the horrible feeling that your body is being eaten alive. Instead, you’re almost entirely (78%+) likely to just end up with a great-big TV that you didn’t pay for. All you have to do is come to my house and pick it up. There’s no reason not to do that. My house doesn’t have bed bugs. I stuffed all of them into the TV. No, no…not THIS one…the other one…that I had to set fire to.
Archives for April 2015
This big-ass TV is yours, if you want to come and haul it away. It’s about 10 years old, and still works great. It even has a remote, if you can believe it! It has a special setting that filters out super gay stuff like RuPaul’s Drag Race and CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, so your sensitive kids are sure to be safe from the propaganda of the secret gay mafia. It weighs about as much as Gilbert Grape’s mom, so you should probably bring a friend or a chiropractor to help. I cannot help. My body is a wasteland, destroyed by years of guilt about how I don’t call my mom often enough. I’ll just open up the front door and let you come in and take it. It’s FREE! What do you expect?! Anyway, I’m looking forward to meeting you and maybe sharing a nice glass of chablis. I don’t have any of that, so it’d be nice if you brought some.
NOTE: Big-ass TV does not contain poltergeists. Definitely no poltergeists. None. Promise.
ADDITIONAL NOTE: Also probably does not have a hidden video camera inside it that will broadcast the goings-on of your living room across the Internets. Stop being so paranoid.