An ancient dragon named Smaug, best known for his supporting role in The Hobbit, took a rare break from guarding his beloved treasure (or being dead, depending on how far you got into the story) to breathe hellfire upon a 36 year-old woman who DESTROYED a 29 year-old woman who DEVASTATED a 25 year-old former Yelp! employee who posted a public plea for Yelp! CEO Jeremy Stoppelman to suddenly disregard fundamental principles of Capitalism and start paying entry-level employees a living wage so they can afford to eat food with actual nutrients in it and live in apartments not also occupied by their parents, rats, or both.
“Basically, I’d just had it up to my tits with these goddamn click-baity headlines clogging up my Facebook feed. So I just thought, ‘Ah, fuck it. I’m gonna literally destroy somebody, just to show people what that really looks like.’ So here I am,” said Smaug, after turning 36 year-old Sara Lynn Michener into a smoldering pile of ash and bone fragments. “To be honest,” Smaug continued, “I didn’t even read any of the articles until after I turned Sara into an extra-well-done lady-steak. I mean, what do I care about the struggles of poor women? Have you SEEN how much gold I have?! I make the 1% look poor. Amiright?! But then, when I finally sat down and read her piece, I did feel kinda bad, because it was actually quite well written, and I agreed with pretty much everything she said. But by then it was too late, of course. There wasn’t much left of her. Oh well. Bygones.”