Being a music critic is not really my thing. In fact, I’ve always loathed album reviews. They’re so often eye-rollingly pretentious and chock-full of subjective blabbering intended primarily to meet the minimum word count demanded by somebody’s editor. Endless yammering about idiosyncratic chord structures and time signatures, esoteric influences and the deeper symbolic meaning of this lyric, or that, topped off with insider stories intended to give the impression that the writer is somehow cool, simply by virtue of being aware of some trivial anecdote that not even the band itself would bother remembering. I actually believe that any academic analysis of art is, at best, irritating and pointless, and at worst, a real cockblock to the mind’s ability to simply take a creative work at face value and just, you know, feel something. But Whim Grace is a friend of mine, and she asked me to take a listen and write my thoughts on the album. I agreed, because I have long loved her work. So I listened. And then I listened again. I’ve been listening, for months now. I knew I liked it, but I didn’t really know what to say about it, without falling into the aforementioned quagmire of pretentiousness, so I didn’t write anything. And then I started to feel bad, because I kept not writing, which gnawed at me, because I had made a promise. But still I kept listening to the album, again and again. That part was easy, because it’s really good. Then I decided to just describe it the way I would to a friend. [Read more…] about The New Whim Grace Album is Gorgeous. You Should Buy It
Something completely different...
This is what happens when you ask me for a recommendation on LinkedIn:
“There’s nothing worse than having some deadbeat clown flake on paying you what’s owed, especially when your old-school mob tactics have become so frowned upon by law enforcement, sensitive girlfriends, and society as a whole. Gone are the salad days of broken kneecaps, burned-up kitchens, and cozy snuggles with the heads of prized horses. Basically, you’re limited to making a lot of offers that people CAN refuse. It’s so frustrating. That’s what made working with Chelsea at Rainier Collections such a welcome relief. She was just a real go-getter who didn’t take no guff from nobody. It didn’t matter who they were- degenerate gamblers, unemployed single mothers, or sweet little old grannies, Chelsea wasn’t afraid to grab them by the throats (figuratively, of course) and shake them down for every last penny. I loved it. I got my money, and my wardrobe ended up with a lot less blood on it.”
UPDATE: Turns out that wasn’t the job she wanted me to talk about. So I wrote a follow-up. [Read more…] about I Write Rad Recommendations on LinkedIn
An ancient dragon named Smaug, best known for his supporting role in The Hobbit, took a rare break from guarding his beloved treasure (or being dead, depending on how far you got into the story) to breathe hellfire upon a 36 year-old woman who DESTROYED a 29 year-old woman who DEVASTATED a 25 year-old former Yelp! employee who posted a public plea for Yelp! CEO Jeremy Stoppelman to suddenly disregard fundamental principles of Capitalism and start paying entry-level employees a living wage so they can afford to eat food with actual nutrients in it and live in apartments not also occupied by their parents, rats, or both.
“Basically, I’d just had it up to my tits with these goddamn click-baity headlines clogging up my Facebook feed. So I just thought, ‘Ah, fuck it. I’m gonna literally destroy somebody, just to show people what that really looks like.’ So here I am,” said Smaug, after turning 36 year-old Sara Lynn Michener into a smoldering pile of ash and bone fragments. “To be honest,” Smaug continued, “I didn’t even read any of the articles until after I turned Sara into an extra-well-done lady-steak. I mean, what do I care about the struggles of poor women? Have you SEEN how much gold I have?! I make the 1% look poor. Amiright?! But then, when I finally sat down and read her piece, I did feel kinda bad, because it was actually quite well written, and I agreed with pretty much everything she said. But by then it was too late, of course. There wasn’t much left of her. Oh well. Bygones.”
I’m not gonna lie to you, bed bugs are a real pain in the ass. They climb up into your luggage in hotels and airports and just follow you home. And then they get into EVERYTHING! Clothes, mattresses, pillows, furniture and electronics. They especially love keyboards and big huge TVs. Fortunately, this big, huge TV is no less than 78% bed bug-free! And…wait for it…it’s FREE! That’s right! This TV will cost you absolutely nothing and almost certainly does NOT come filled with an army of nefarious tiny critters that will run rampant throughout your house, causing you endless sleepless nights filled with debilitating anxiety and the horrible feeling that your body is being eaten alive. Instead, you’re almost entirely (78%+) likely to just end up with a great-big TV that you didn’t pay for. All you have to do is come to my house and pick it up. There’s no reason not to do that. My house doesn’t have bed bugs. I stuffed all of them into the TV. No, no…not THIS one…the other one…that I had to set fire to.
This big-ass TV is yours, if you want to come and haul it away. It’s about 10 years old, and still works great. It even has a remote, if you can believe it! It has a special setting that filters out super gay stuff like RuPaul’s Drag Race and CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, so your sensitive kids are sure to be safe from the propaganda of the secret gay mafia. It weighs about as much as Gilbert Grape’s mom, so you should probably bring a friend or a chiropractor to help. I cannot help. My body is a wasteland, destroyed by years of guilt about how I don’t call my mom often enough. I’ll just open up the front door and let you come in and take it. It’s FREE! What do you expect?! Anyway, I’m looking forward to meeting you and maybe sharing a nice glass of chablis. I don’t have any of that, so it’d be nice if you brought some.
NOTE: Big-ass TV does not contain poltergeists. Definitely no poltergeists. None. Promise.
ADDITIONAL NOTE: Also probably does not have a hidden video camera inside it that will broadcast the goings-on of your living room across the Internets. Stop being so paranoid.