By the time I went to college at Evergreen, my spirit ponytail, cultivated from birth, reached well below my waist. While in school I experimented heavily with myriad psychedelic substances, including LSD, mushrooms, peyote, Ecstasy, Amazonian tree-frog excretions, Ketamine, Eternity, Mongolian dung beetle extract, Sub-Saharan scorpion blood, electric Kool-Aid, and Zima.
I dropped out of Evergreen following an arrest for participating in a cross-species pagan Moon orgy. After spending the following 5 years traveling what I thought to be an inter-dimensional time portal, I woke up in a rehab facility in Walla Walla, Washington. Upon my release, I found Jesus. I also found out that I had inherited several million dollars from an unknown distant relative who’d passed away during my journey. Vowing to change my errant ways and keep as much of my money as possible, I became heavily involved in neo-Conservative politics and the anti-drug movement.
I returned recently to my hometown with a new-found appreciation for the Church and sobriety. Given the fact that I have neither the ability nor the financial need to find gainful employment, I have taken it upon myself to editorialize the decay of Western Society and expose the errors in the ways of the mob of unkempt Liberals who’ve overrun my once-fine city.